Akatsuki Buys a House
by AkiraDawn
Summary: Akatsuki has reached a breaking point in their 5bedroom apartment. There is too much stuff, too many women and too little space. What ever shall they do now? Rated for language. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1 Limited Space

Akatsuki Buys a House

Some Background…

Well, Akatsuki has finally gotten to a point where they have outgrown their apartment. Between Marisol and Dana being there practically all the time, Lola coming in on weekends and Tobi's Mr. Potato Head collection, it was time for Akatsuki to make some changes…

"That's the last time I'm going to tell you! Oh my god get out, get out, get out!" itachi screamed from inside the shower.

"But Itachi, I'm out here and it's just..AAAAGGGGGHHHH, AGGGHH, AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH, AAGGGHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! That's the first time you've used in fire techniques in the apartment since you lit the candles on the leader's birthday cake, yeah! Oh my god Itachi you could have singed my eyebrows, yeah!"

"Then get the fuck out of the bathroom!" Itachi yelled. Deidara walked into the living room fanning himself after the fire incident.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, yeah." Deidara said trying to cool off.

"Deidara, remember that conversation we had about you getting COMPLETELY dressed before you are anywhere around me.

"I'm sorry Sasori, really I am but you don't understand…Itachi is especially on edge today, yeah. He just practically lit me on fire because I was trying to shave while he was in the shower, yeah. I mean it's not like I was trying to get in the shower with him or something I mean my god yes our bathroom is small but it's not like he and I parade around in there naked, yeah and come on is it really so much of a problem to….." Sasori cut Deidara off.

"Deidara, moments ago I was sitting here reading the paper in peace, now you have come in to this living room half naked with sopping wet hair and a hairbrush, you sat down beside me and now me and the paper are wet from you flipping wet hair everywhere. And what's more…..now you won't shut up. I'm going to have to add you to my puppet collection if you don't leave right now." Sasori instructed calmly.

"Sasori, I can't get dressed until Itachi gets out of that bathroom, yeah. I have to shave!"

"Deidara, I don't care." Sasori said. Meanwhile, in the kitchen Kakuzu was getting ready to unload the dishwasher.

"Um, did Tobi wash the dishes with Mr. Bubble again?" he asked Sasori. Sasori put his paper down and sighed.

"Are you serious? Is there soap scum all over the plates?" Sasori asked.

"Yes."

"I wrote very clearly on a post it note, USE CASCADE." Sasori said.

"Well, I'm going to rewash them, he somehow translated that into 'use bath soap' and these dishes look awful." Kakuzu said. Kisame, Zetsu and Hidan were currently all gathered in Zetsu's room listening to the speech Marisol had written as a 'thank you' speech she would recite at the Sports Illustrated opening gala in Cancun, Mexico. Itachi, Dana, Deidara and Marisol would leave to Marisol's photo shoot the next morning.

"Okay, tell me how this sounds. This speech has to be perfect! Here's how it starts: I want to start by thanking my hot boyfriend. He's here tonight to support me in this photo shoot. I would not be here tonight if it weren't for him helping me stay on my 1000 calorie diet and working me over nearly every night. He is amazing in bed. I also want to thank my best friend in the whole world Dana! She has always been there for me when I have on ugly clothes and has always given me the best advice on accessorizing! I'm thrilled to be here today and I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my hot boyfriend and my best friend. Thank you! Alright, so how did that sound?" Marisol awaited the responses.

"Seriously, that was one of the most powerful speeches I've ever heard." Hidan said.

"Um….are you supposed to mention anything that isn't about sex?" Kisame asked a little confused.

"You know what, I loved it!" Kakuzu said.

"It was okay I guess." Zetsu said shrugging his shoulders.

"Yay! I can't wait to recite it!" Marisol beamed.

"Alright, I have to get down town, who's taking me down town?" A very dramatic Itachi stated entering the living room.

"Get a cab." Sasori said.

"Get a cab!? Get a stinky cab!? As if! I'm going to pick up the most important thing of my life and you're telling me to get a cab!?" Itachi panicked.

"Dude, what are you going to get?" Sasri asked.

"If you don't know then you're going to have to wait and see!" Itachi scolded him.

"Kisame! Kisame get out here and take me downtown!" Itachi hollered for him. Since Kisame knew that messing with Itachi today wasn't a good idea he gave up and drove Itachi downtown in the AKTSUKI van.

"Hey, why's Itachi so wound up today?" Zetsu asked following Marisol into the living room.

"I have no idea. Maybe it's his time of the month." Sasori said sarcastically. Sasori's RAZR started ringing his new Kelly Rowland 'Like This' ringtone.

"Hi honey." He answered it. It was Lola. "Oh my god! You're serious, you are not serious are you serious!? Lola that's….that's wonderful!" Sasori was on his feet with excitement. "Okay, okay. Okay. Yeah, okay. Well how about I rent a U-Haul and come help you pack up?" Sasori said. "Okay, okay honey well I will talk to you later and see you tomorrow." Sasori hung up the phone and announced the news…. "Guys, Lola got the job 30 minutes outside of town, she's going to move in with us until she gets settled in." Sasori said.

"Oh cool! I imagine that she's excited about moving closer!" Kakuzu said.

"Yes she is."

"You know, really, we are starting to get cramped for space in here." Hidan stated. It seemed as though Akatsuki would have a little less space once Lola moved in.


	2. Chapter 2 The solution and the surprise

It was late evening, Sasori had rented a U-Haul truck and was on his way to get Lola and all her stuff, Kisame, Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Zetsu were in the living room playing board games. Afterall, it was annual 'Thursday night board game' night. Kabuto had thought it up a few years back, it was one idea of his that they had decided to keep. Itachi, was in his bedroom. The door was closed. He had sent Marisol and Dana out to dinner that night. Deidara had gone down the hallway after losing 3 games of Chutes and Ladders and now he opened up the bedroom door without even knocking.

"I swear I hate….what are you doing, yeah?" Deidara asked suspiciously. Itachi was sitting on his bed, his back facing the doorway. "Itachi, you're scaring me. The last time I saw you in this position was because there was a red wine stain on your new Nautica boxers and you were not happy then, yeah. Oh and I was the one who put that stain there, yeah." Itachi didn't answer Deidara. Deidara was concerned. "Itachi, okay now you're scaring me like really badly. You're not going to kill me are….." Deidara had stepped around to see what was going on with Itachi. "Oh……my……..god…….yeah. Itachi……is that what I think it is, yeah?" Deidara's voice had gotten squeaky. He quickly started fanning himself because it was common for Deidara to get overheated when he got too excited. "Itachi…..it's…….it's HUGE, yeah." Deidara paused. "AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! ITACHI!"

"Deidara! Shut up! Shut up!" Itachi yelled at him.

"Sorry, yeah. It's just that I serious think I am going to start crying right now because I know what that is, yeah." Deidara said losing his breath. What Itachi and Deidara were staring at Itachi's custom ordered 7 karot engagement ring for Dana purchased from Tiffany and Co. in New York. It took him 4 months to get it.

"It's beautiful, it's perfect…just like Dana." Itachi said softly.

"Oh my god, Itachi! We're going to be related, yeah! I've always wanted to be your cousin, yeah!" Deidara said continuously wiping tears from his eyes.

"For god's sake Deidara! You're going to be my brother-in-law not my cousin!" Itachi told him angrily. Deidara was still fanning his face as tears of joy still streamed down. "Deidara, no one knows about this. I'm going to tell everyone when we get back from Cancun because I'm proposing to Dana in Cancun." Itachi said. Deidara was starting to calm down a little.

"Well Itachi, if you're going to marry my sister, my favorite sister in the whole world we have got to do something about the size of this apartment, yeah. I mean Lola got a job 30 minutes from here and she's moving in with us, yeah. And we can't leave Marisol out we just can't. She'll be all alone and there'll be no one for her to compare sex with in the cab if she doesn't move in with us, yeah. I'm going to casually mention to everyone else that we need to buy…..a house, yeah. But I wont' say anything about you marrying Dana, yeah." Itachi closed the ring box up for the first time in the past 2 hours.

"Deidara, I swear to god I think these are the most intelligent statements I've ever heard you make. Hey, hey you know what…I could get a paper with some home listings in it tomorrow. So, go say something to everyone else." Itachi said sending Deidara on his task. Deidara quickly regained his composure and fixed his hair again before returning to the living room. He left the bedroom.

"Alright, I have an announcement to make, yeah." Deidara said. Everyone looked at him.

"I've been thinking….if Lola is moving in with us, and Marisol will be soon enough, I think we should consider buying a house, yeah." Kisame always hated it when Deidara made speeches with his hands on his hips like he was right now.

"You know what, you're right. We need a house. We have no room in this place anymore. Hidan's collection of religious items he's purchased at yard sales is flowing out of the closet. Marisol has brought so many things over here it's like she owns our living room. There is just no room on the deck anymore for me to photosynthesize because Kisame's fichus' need all the sunlight . Deidara, we need a house." Zetsu agreed.

"Seriously, this is a good idea. Kakuzu needs to give me some more space anyway." Hidan said.

"Okay, well in that case Itachi will get a paper with listings in it before we leave for Cancun tomorrow, yeah." And with that Deidara left the living room again. When Deidara entered the bedroom again Itachi was on the phone talking to 'the leader' and holding Dana's engagement ring on his chest.

"Yeah, that's right, we're really needing to buy a house. Oh a budget? Hmmmm, well we haven't talked about it. But I make good decisions and I'm totally hot so I'm thinking a reasonable budget would be….2 million dollars. Yes, I agree that kind of money will buy a lot of house. But remember 'the leader' Deidara and I are leaving for Cancun tomorrow. Alright, yeah that sounds great 'the leader'. Okay bye." Itachi hung up the phone.

Meanwhile, Sasori had arrived at Lola's apartment an hour away.

"Hi honey! Was the drive okay?" Lola asked throwing her arms around Sasori.

"Yes it was just fine. Now I am here and ready to help you pack." He insisted.

"I really appreciate you helping me do this." Lola said.

"Oh, it's no problem at all, especially for you." Sasori said.

"Well, I have everything boxed up. All we have to do is get it to the truck." Lola said. Of course she had many many boxes arranged around her apartment. The two of them would have a lot of loading to do throughout the day. Sasori's phone rang just as they were getting ready to begin loading the truck.

"Hey Kisame." Sasori answered the phone. "Oh, are you serious? We're going to buy a house? God, that's awesome. We need a house, who's idea was that. It was Deidara's idea? But…he never comes up with good ideas. Well, anyway you all start looking at homes. Lola and I will be there late tonight." Sasori hung up the phone.

"Oh my god, a house?" Lola asked Sasori.

"Yes can you believe that? And….Deidara thought it would be a good idea, he must have read a decent magazine article that day or something." Sasori said. "Anyway, let's get packing."

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Look at this house Zetsu! It has 7 bedrooms, a washer/dryer. Two whirlpool tubs, a professional kitchen, 4 walk-in closets, a pool, a tennis court, and an outside bar, yeah!" Deidara said happily as he continuously bothered Zetsu as the two of them searched a home listings page that Kisame went to the gas station and picked up."

"Deidara, what's the price on that house." Zetsu asked with his head in his hands. Deidara normally didn't stress Zetsu out, mainly because Deidara was usually stressing Sasori out.

"Four million dollars, yeah!" Deidara said with shining eyes. Zetsu shook his head.

"DEIDARA!" Zetsu yelled at him.

"What!?!?" Deidara squaked.

"Look, all you've done for the past 10 minutes is pick out houses that are completely unreasonable. Now, you may be used to all the Beverly Hills glamour and you know Hollywood shit, but the rest of us are normal….except Itachi! From now on you pick out homes that are 300 thousand dollars or less." Zetsu instructed. Now Deidara was pouting because he had to pick out what he said were 'stupid ugly homes, yeah'.

Itachi was frantically doing some final packing for the Cancun trip the next day. It was a good thing those two were leaving town amongst all this new house talk.


	3. Chapter 3 The listings

"Okay Lola, let's leave all your things…." Sasori's thoughts were interrupted.

"You are such a dumb ass! You can't pick houses out based on how close they are to your churches! God! Hidan! You are so selfish!" Hidan screamed.

"Seriosuly, shut up Kakuzu! You're the one who lived on Wall St. for one year and a half! See, you're close to money!"

"Oh go to hell! That was so different I was living in a financial district, I was trying to go places!" Kakuzu argued.

"Right, whatever Kakuzu! You're just jealous because my religion means so much to me that I want to be close to a Jasshin house of worship!" Hidan yelled.

"Oh, just…..screw you Hidan! You are so retarded sometimes!" Kakuzu said rolling his eyes.

"Anyway, Lola. Let's get to bed for tonight. I'm exhausted." Sasori took hold of her hand.

"Yeah, I'm tired too." Lola replied. It was late that evening. Hidan and Kakuzu were the only ones up at this point since everyone else was ready for bed and Itachi and Deidara were still packing. They knew the next morning would be crazy and so they wanted to get their sleep. Sasori took Lola into the apartment and they decided to have some chamomile tea before they called it an evening.

"You're pretty when you're this tired." Sasori told her. Lola laughed.

"God, Sasori you are so full of shit sometimes." Lola was still laughing. Sasori smiled.

"What! I'm serious." He reached out for her hand. But just as he leaned in to kiss her Itachi stormed into the living room. He was not only on the phone, but he was screaming into the phone.

"No, I'll tell you what! Two words FUCK YOU! No, no Sasuke you go to hell!" Itachi angrily stormed into the kitchen right past Sasori and Lola and went immediately to the bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey that was on the top shelf in the kitchen cabinet. "Sasuke! I don't care! You will NOT have 'guys night out' with Kabuto, Orochimaru and Kidoumaru! No, it's not cool it's fucking GAY! Oh what the hell ever Sasuke! No, see because I know you're not going to a strip club and besides, god if you ever actually go you would leave 20 minutes after you got there because there is too much smoke and you go home smelling like whore AND smoke….god that's awful!" Itachi paused long enough to listen and down at least 5 shots of whiskey, although he just drank out of the bottle. He was too pissed to pour it. "Alright, alright, you know what FINE. Go to Burger King on this 'guys night out' thing and don't come crying to me Kabuto tells you that you have a nice ass. Which by the way…YOU DON'T. But oh my god, two days ago I got these pants and…..oh god never mind! GOODBYE!" Itachi clicked the phone off and immediately started rubbing the sides of his head. Deidara came running out of the bedroom next.

"Itachi! Itachi! Did you tell him not to do it, yeah? Did you tell him about the awful whore smell, yeah?" Oh! Hi Lola!" Deidara said happily.

"That's it. That….is….it. Tomorrow, I'm taking my phone and Lola and I am done with Akatsuki." Sasori said.

"Awww, Sasori it's okay we can finish our tea in bed. They're just…..being them. Look honey, deep down you know these are your friends even though they're…you know…….stupid sometimes." Lola always knew what to say to make Sasori feel better.

"Oh my god is that Jack Daniels, yeah?"

"No! Deidara! No! The last time you drank too much whiskey you started taking your clothes off and you exploded a giant bird outside! That was not smart! Don't touch it! Besides, you're getting on a plane to Cancun tomorrow." Sasori warned.

"Hmmm, you are right Danna, yeah. That's not the drink for me tonight, yeah. Come on Itachi, forget about Sasuke's stupid decisions and let's finish packing, yeah." Deidara made Itachi put the whiskey away and drug him back into the bedroom so they could finish their packing.

"Alright Lola, let's take our tea and go to bed. I promise you that we will be woken up by those two in the morning." Lola smiled and followed Sasori into his room with their tea. It was true, they would probably cause a racket in the morning. But for now, sleep was very much wanted.

Once everyone else had fallen asleep, Itachi and Deidara had quietly put their luggage by the door and went to bed themselves. It would be a long day for them tomorrow.

One quiet night later……

The time was 6:30 am. Itachi and Deidara were the first ones up because they had to catch a cab to Dana and Marisol's apartment. They left without too much commotion, which was a relief to Sasori who was typically an early riser anyway. It was Deidara's job to leave a note before they left and of course that was a production.

As usual, Sasori woke up at 7:20 although he was so comfortable with Lola that he didn't get up right away. Hidan was actually the first one out of bed at 7:45. He went into the kitchen and found Deidara's note. He read it only to discover that the note made no sense at all and it wished everyone happy house hunting until they returned from Cancun. Hidan decided to fix a big breakfast since they had 2 appointments to look at houses today. He immediately got started in the kitched with eggs and bacon, he knew that would wake everyone slowly.

One giant breakfast later….

"Hidan, you make killer breakfasts." Kisame said.

"Seriously, thanks. I figured we would need the extra energy as we went to our house appointments today."

"Oh we will. I'm anxious to see these houses." Kakuzu said.

"Yeah! I want to go! I can't wait to leave!" Tobi was so excited.

"And to think, you found some eligible listings so quickly!" Lola said.

"Our first appointment is at 9:15 today and our second is at 1:30 so that will give us plenty of time to discuss the first house." Sasori commented.

"Hidan, since you made such a great breakfast I will help you clean up the kitchen and then we'll get ready for our first house appointment!" Zetsu declared.

"YAY!" Tobi started running around the living room. This was going to be a thrilling day.


	4. Chapter 4 Plane Ride and House 1

"Hey, hey, hey do I look good? Psssst, Deidara, do I look good? OH MY GOD! DEIDARA, LISTEN TO ME!" Itachi screamed.

"Aaaggghhhh! Itachi! You totally scared me like…..to death or something, yeah. I was totally into this article in Cosmo about sunless tanner, yeah. What do you want, yeah?" They hadn't been on the plane 30 minutes and Itachi was already in panic mode.

"Do I look good today?" Deidara leaned over.

"Is that MY Sean John Unforgivable, yeah. Oh my god, that is MY signature scent not yours, yeah."

"Oh my god, dumbass just tell me how I look!" Itachi glared.

"Oh, you look good, yeah. Wait…..you're not going to ask Dana on this smelly plane are you, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"Shut up! Dana and Marisol could come back from that bathroom at any second!" Deidara put his magazine down.

"That bathroom is the size of……well something small, do you think they both fit in there, yeah."

"No Deidara, it's the syste,. See, Dana goes in, Marsiol watches the door and vice versa. See when I go to the bathroom you are going with me." Itachi insisted.

"Oh, okay." The airplane stewardess was walking down the aisle. There were two stewardesses one working the front of the plane and one working the back.

"Hi can I get you something to drink?" she said politely.

"Oh, oh, oh, yeah, um, okay could I get a diet sprite with a lemon, wait…..ummmm, no Marisol wouldn't want that, yeah. Okay how about….do you have flavored water…WAIT! Okay, I need diet lemonade the kind that's low sugar and some reduced calorie iced tea, yeah." Deidara smiled at the stewardess.

"Sir, we have water, Diet Pepsi, regular Pepsi, Moutain Dew, and carbonated water." Deidara was upset.

"I'll take water and Diet Pepsi, yeah." He told her.

"And, for you sir?" the woman asked Itachi.

"Two Diet Pepsi's." He answered. Just then Dana and Marisol returned.

"Oh my god, Itachi there is no way we'll be having sex in that bathroom like we did when we flew to New York, yeah." Dana said right in front of the stewardess. The stewardess looked at Dana with a horrified look on her face. "Oh! I'm sorry, are you the captain of this plane, yeah?" Dana said. Dana didn't wait on an answer she just quickly took her seat followed by Marisol in between Deidara and Itachi.

"Okay guys, let's leave to see that first house!" Sasori called from the living room. "It's just a quick cab ride across town, we can all pile in." Sasori corralled everyone to the front door and outside into their parking lot.

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe we're looking at a house I'm just so excited and I can't believe it. It's going to be so fun! We're looking at houses today! I can't wait! I hope there's a big yard! I love yards! Do you think there will be a yard?!" Tobi was wound up.

"Tobi, relax, here comes our cab, yes there will be a yard." Sasori answered calming him down. Zetsu was the first in the cab, then Kisame, then Hidan, Tobi and Kakuzu sat up front with the driver (he had the money), Sasori threw himself on top of everyone else in the back seat which left Lola on top. Sasori hadn't completely thought this through; he was the one with directions for the driver. The cab hadn't taken off yet.

"Okay, Lola, you're going to have to get into my pants and get the directions. Kisame….shut up." But it was too late Kisame was already laughing. "Wait hold on, I need to flip around here, hold on." Sasori squirmed until he was facing Kisame now.

"God! You are skinny! How much do you weigh now?" Zetsu said, his giant plant head crammed into the back glass. The only problem was now Lola's head was resting on Sasori's abdomen, this only fueled Kisame.

"So how many times have you two been in this position?" he asked still laughing.

"Shut up! Okay Lola, honey, hand these to the driver."

"Damn it Sasori I really wanted to see Lola get those."

"Kisame I swear to god, I am going to kill you later if you don't' shut up." Lola took the directions and handed them to the driver.

"Lola seriously, I don't really want to touch your ass because I know Sasori will glare at me, but I have no damn clue what to do with my hands." Hidan said as the cab driver floored it out of the parking lot.

"Dude, put your hands wherever you have to Lola is a lady, she'll understand." Sasori said. Lola laughed. Thank god this cab ride was short. They arrived at their destination and skillfully poured out of the car.

"Wow, the house is really nice, cute almost." Sasori said admiring the two-story house. Everyone else soon joined Sasori and Lola. Naturally, Tobi went running straight for the yard.

"Hi, I'm Sasori, this is Lola and we're here to see the house." Sasori said to the realtor.

"It's very nice to meet you come with me I'll show you all the house." The realtor said.

"Oh….that's our friend…..freaking out in the yard." Sasori told her. And with that said the realtor led everyone else into the house. "Nice entrance, I like a house with wood floors." Sasori said to Lola. She shook her head in agreement.

"Hey, why do you think that realtor keeps looking back here at me?" Zetsu asked Hidan softly.

"Seriosuly, it's probably because I brought my scythe and well….dude come on you're a plant man." Hidan said. Zetsu sighed.

"You're right. Dude, how did you get that thing in the cab?" Zetsu wondered.

"Seriously, jammed it in the trunk."

"Excuse me, what is the cost on this house?" Kakuzu asked whipping out his calculator.

"The owners are asking 165 thousand." The realtor answered. Zakuzu started punching numbers wildly into the calculator.

"Can we see the upstairs?" Sasori asked. And so the realtor led them upstairs.

"Oh skylights, that's a nice touch." Kisame said looking above him.

"Seriously, I'm going over to the window to check on Tobi." Hidan said. As expected Tobi was rolling around in the grass. It was only a matter of time until he found the squirrel over beside the tree. Sasori was making mental notes like crazy as they all examined the rest of the house. It was time for them to go outside and see the back patio and yard where Tobi was happily situated.


	5. Chapter 5 Cancun Arrival and IHOP

"Attention all passengers we ask that you fasten your seat belts as we will be encountering some air turbulence. We are preparing to make our final decent into Cancun, Mexico. We will be landing in roughly 32 minutes. Current time is 11:03 am, temperature today is 91 degrees and the forecast is sunny with light clouds throughout the day. Thank you for flying Delta Airlines."

"Oh my god! Can you believe we are almost in Cancun! I am like so excited." Marisol said jamming all her magazines back into her bag as they prepared for the plane to make its landing.

"Marisol I can't believe that Sports Illustrated is nice enough to put you up in the Sandals Resort and Spa." Itachi said.

"Just think, in four hours we will be sitting Oceanside at the Sports Illustrated opening gala, and we have Marisol's hot body to thank, yeah." Dana said.

"Oh my god, I like so can't wait to get a shower and get changed for tonight's gala!" Marisol said.

"Hey what kind of room do we have anyway?" Itachi asked.

"Hello!? An oceanfront suite!" Marisol said.

"Oh damn, Marisol…thank your parents for me for being born hot." Itachi told her.

"You know, I've been thinking. Do you think the other Sports Illustrated models will be bitches?" Marisol asked.

"Hmmmmm, well if they are anything like those girls on the dance company they'll all just be sluts with a bad attitude, yeah." Deidara said.

"How do you think the house search is going for the guys?" Itachi asked.

"well, they've probably been looking at stupid boring houses, yeah." Deidara said disgusted.

Meanwhile, at IHOP Sasori had his notes out to discuss the first house that everyone had just been through.

"Alright, I noticed that the house had a nice entry-way, a spacious living area, slightly dated kitchen and truthfully I think the upstairs was too small for us." Sasori shared.

"I agree completely, that's not the house for us, plus we don't have a use for a basement that big. You know if Orochimaru finds out we have a house with a basement he'll want to store weird shit there."

"If we get a yard can we get a slip-n-slide?" Tobi asked innocently.

"Yes, Tobi we'll get a slip-n-slide." Kisame answered. And speaking of Orochimaru…Sasori's phone rang, it was Kabuto.

"Hey Kabuto, what do you want? What do you mean why didn't I call you and tell you that we were going to IHOP, we didn't know until like 15 minutes ago. Yes, yes I know how much you love the French toast. You know, Orochimaru can make coffee, I know he can. He doesn't always have to come to IHOP for coffee. Kabuto…..oh god, Kabuto just……look I have to go goodbye." Sasori slapped his phone shut. He really hated it when Kabuto called him when they were trying to have dinner. "Sorry, stupid Kabuto is pissed that he wasn't invited to IHOP."

"God, do you know what a pain in the ass it will be when they find out that we're buying a house? They will want to come over like….all the time!" Zetsu said.

"Well, let's worry about that later. We need to focus more on this house for now. What else? We all know that Tobi liked the yard." Sasori said.

"Seriously, I really don't think that house is for us. I mean yes it's two levels, but the bedrooms aren't going to be big enough." Hidan said.

"I agree, with Hidan. We need to see the second house and then compare." Kakuzu said.

"You know, this process is so much more peaceful without Deidara and Itachi, god if they were here right now it would just be a non-stop bitch fest." Sasori stated.

"Man, you're so right it would be all 'there aren't enough mirrors' or 'it's too far away from the mall, yeah'. " Kisame said mockingly. "And by the way, these new funnel cakes on the menu…bitchin crazy good." Kisame said.

"You know, I almost got those." Zetsu said.

"Dude, dude, here take a bite." Kisame said shoving some funnel cake toward Zetsu. It seems like Sasori had this under control. Now, as for what was happening in Cancun.

"Oh shit, none of us speak Spanish! Where the hell is baggage claim! Oh god….BAGGAGE CLAIM!" Itachi panicked.

"Itachi! Marisol totally speaks Spanish, yeah! Remember Miami, yeah?" Deidara said.

"Oh, that's right, oh god I nearly lost it there for a minute. I mean not that I put…IT in baggage." Itachi said fanning himself.

"Of course Itachi, calm down Marisol will get us around, yeah." Deidara reassured him.

"Oh my god! Okay, let's go claim our baggage and then go get a cab. Senor! Senor! Donde esta la recogida de equipaje? Si, y el taxi va a Sandals Resort Hotel? Gracias Senor!" Thank god Marisol knew what she was doing. "Okay! Let's go get our luggage and get a cab to the hotel!" Marisol was so happy. She grabbed Deidara's hand and lead the way to baggage claim. Their luggage was unmistakable. Marisol and Dana had the 5 bags of Louis Vuitton luggage and Itachi and Deidara had the 3 Christian Dior garment bags and the other 4 Samsonite deluxe travelers edition luggage. Not to mention they all had 2 carry on bags a piece, how they got all the luggage through security was a mystery.

"Deidara, push that bitch out of the way, here comes one of our Dior bags." Itachi coached.

"No Itachi! She's old, yeah!" Deidara whispered to him.

"Fine! I'll get it." Itachi climbed over other passengers and grabbed the Dior garment bag, of course at that time one of Dana's Louis Vuitton bags spit out of the shoot and so Itachi insisted on rolling around on the conveyor belt to get to it. He took the first items back and handed them off to Deidara. Twenty minutes later the four of them were loaded down with so much crap that they could barely see where they were going.

"Hey, um do you think we're going to need two cabs, yeah? I mean we have lots of stuff!" Dana said stumbling around due to the weight of her own stuff.

"I think we do. Okay, Dana you and I will take off after Marisol and Deidara." Itachi had devised a very logical and calm plan! The struggle would be getting to the automatic doors without knocking everyone don along the way. Deidara and Marisol successfully slammed their luggage into four people, Itachi got pissed off because he got hit in the back of the head with an umbrella and Dana tripped over her own luggage 3 times because her stiletto heels kept getting too close to the wheels. But finally they had made it to the automatic doors where cabs lined up at all hours of the day. It was official, the Sports Illustrated vacation had begun.


	6. Chapter 6 Lola, Taking Charge

Sasori, Lola, Kisame, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu and Tobi had arrived at the second house they would see for the day. Once again, Sasori took care of all introductions. This was only a one story house, but it was spread out. Kisame was skeptical. But Tobi had found the yard so that would keep him entertained for a good 30 minutes.

"Now, can I ask a personal question, are you all related?" the realtor asked.

"Oh no, you see we're a top secret criminal organization. We're known for our criminal acts and our……parties." Sasori said that last part under his breath.

"Oh…." The realtor said.

"Oh, oh don't worry, we love animals and Kisame loves flowering plants, so yes we're criminals…but with a soft side." Sasori defended them.

"Why des your friend have a scythe?" the realtor asked.

"He's VERY religious. See! We have morals too!" The realtor started at Sasori and then Lola.

"So it's the seven of you that will be living here?" the realtor asked.

"You know, let's not talk numbers yet why don't we just check the house out." Sasori said laughing nervously. Everyone quickly followed behind Sasori hoping this woman wouldn't ask any more questions.

"Now, I should tell you all that some of this house's features include a walk-in closet, a spacious master bedroom, newly replaced windows and appliances, and skylights in the living room." The realtor said. "I would also like to add that this home is in a wonderful neighborhood…..you all….don't have a criminal record do you?"

"Does getting the cops….oh!" Kisame had just elbowed Zetsu hard in the stomach.

"Dude, shut up! She's already a skeptic! Hidan brought his scythe for god's sake!

"This is also a very nice kitchen for those of you that cook…..um…..why is there someone in the yard chasing birds around?" the realtor asked.

"Oh god." Kakuzu walked over to the door. "Tobi! Get in here NOW! Quit being a dumb ass!"

"But, but, but, Kakuzu! This yard is…..terrific!"

"Well…..Deidara orders you in here NOW!" Kakuzu knew that would work.

"Deidara….senpai? Deidara, senpai! Deidara senpai! Deidara….. hey, Deidara isn't in here." Tobi said now that he had run like a maniac toward the house.

"Um could I as…."

"Wait….YOU'VE been asking us all the questions here. Now it's our turn. When was this house built? Was it one owner? Are there cracks in the foundation? When was the last time the roof was inspected? Does it have central heating and air? Does this house run on gas or electric? Were the previous owners smokers and why are they selling for this particular price? Do you have any insurance reports covering issues such as termites, water/smoke damage, or insulation problems? And finally, I'm a lawyer and we have the right to walk away right now therefore causing you to lose any commission you MIGHT get by showing this house today." Lola had saved the day. The realtor just stared at her. Sasori's mouth hung open. Everyone else was completely speechless. Finally, Sasori swallowed hard and leaned on Hidan.

"I….have never been this turned on in my entire life." Sasori chocked out. Beds of sweat had formed on his forehead.

"Seriously, lean on my Sasori, it's okay. God, she's like…..hot in one of those……take charge ways." Hidan said. Needless to say, this house viewing didn't last another minute….

"Oh my gooooooooood! Oh would you look at this suite, yeah!? Oh….my…..go…it's just…..AAAAAAGGHHHHHHH! THE OCEAN IS RIGHT OUTSIDE, YEAH!" Dana screamed to no one in particular. She and Itachi had somehow made it in the hotel and up to the suite before Deidara and Marisol. Itachi was outside making one of the hotel bellhops his bitch, there was no way he was going to carry (or have Dana carry) their entire luggage up the elevator.

"Hey! Be careful with that! Can't you tell that luggage was expensive! God, dumb ass people! Don't lean up against that garment bag! My girlfriend can not, I repeat CAN NOT get that steam ironed before our party tonight! WATCH HER PURSE! You're stretching out the handles on that horrible hook thing! There, that's our suite. Damn you, you JUST knocked our camera off the top of our stuff!" Itachi bitched at him all the way to the door.

"Is there anything else you need today sir?" The bellhop asked.

"Yes, I need you to take this 20 dollar bill and go buy some COMMON SENSE!" Itachi yelled at him and closed the door. He was exceptionally on edge. However, he looked around and suddenly felt a little better.

"Itachi, Itachi come here baby and check out this view, yeah!" Dana said sweetly, there was no way he could resist that. He started to walk over to the balcony were Dana was but got sidetracked by a box sitting on the center marble table. "Ooooh, ooooh, You are good Deidara, you are good." Itachi said out loud. He then when to join Dana.

"Wow….that's….amazing." Itachi said looking at the oh so tropical view before them. Of course, Dana wrapped up in his arms made it even better. Twenty minutes later, there was a knock, well pounding, rather at the door. Itachi and Dana had already begun to sort through luggage and unpack. Itachi opened the door and the bell hop outside, plowed right in to Itachi.

"Stupid mother fu…….god watch where you're going! But then Deidara turned around and knocked Itachi in the head with a suitcase. "Aaaggghhh….you dumb…." But before Itachi could yell at Deidara he turned around again only to knock Itachi in the other side of the head. "Oh my god Deidara! Stop moving!"

"Oh Itachi! Why are you leaning against the wall holding your head, yeah."

"Deidara shut the hell up and get…..in…..here!

"Is there anything else you need today?" the bellhop asked Deidara.

"Um, just shove all that stuff in the hallway through the door and we'll take it from here, yeah." Deidara said handing the bellhop his tip." The bellhop did exactly that, now all the luggage was in the suite but at the moment Deidara was in a semi-state of shock because this was the first good look he had gotten of the suite they would be staying in.

"Marisol, what time does the gala start?" Itachi asked forgetting his rage quickly.

"Well, according to this schedule I got in this giant 'welcome to SI swim 07 models' pack you can arrive at 6:00 and dinner and welcome begin at 7:15." She answered.

"Alright, we have 4 hours to get unpacked and get ready. We have work to do." Itachi said.


	7. Chapter 7 Sasori's Emotional Breakdown

"Okay, okay. I almost give up. We have been through 15 home listings, we've visited 3 more. Tobi got us kicked out of one….what the hell are we going to do." Sasori was on the verge of a breakdown.

"Honey, it's okay. Sometimes, it take months to find THE house. We'll find something that suits us." Lola was so comforting

"Lola, I can't believe I'm about to say what I'm going to say. So….after I say it…please…..slap me as hard as you can or pour me a double shot of Everclear…..Itachi and Deidara were right." Lola gasped at what Sasori just said.

"Oh, Sasori, honey are you okay? God, do you have like a temperature or something?" Lola was suddenly shocked.

"It's true Lola, before they left, Itachi and Deidara picked out these three homes and these three homes are the only places that have the space we need. God! Those two and their dumb ass expensive taste! Their high maintenance needs! WE DON'T NEED THE FUCKING POOL! God! Deidara's hair turns green every time he swims anyway cause it's so BLONDE! And god only knows that the chlorine always makes Itachi's eyes burn." Sasori was losing it and the tears started to pour. Lola quickly went for the Everclear and started pouring it. "Why! Why do they have to be right about this!?" Sasori said as he cried on the kitchen counter.

"Here honey, this will make it go away." Lola handed Sasori the double shot of Everclear…it was gone in .07 seconds.

"Look Lola, look! This stupid huge ass house has 6 bedrooms with a possible seventh and….and….and….and……it has high ceiling and recessed lighting! God! We'll have to be…trendy! I'll end up sss…..signing the deed and then stupid ass Itachi will want his name…..on….on…on….on the mailbox!" Sasori wailed some more. Lola tried to calm him down, she had her arms around him, but it wasn't doing much good. "WE DON'T' EVEN GET ANY MAIL!" Sasori cried out. "The leader has a PO box for us." Just then Hidan walked in to the kitchen. He looked at Lola and then pointed at Sasori.

"Don't ask." She lipped the words to him. She kept on stroking his back while Hidan decided to stay out of this.

"Here Lola, take my RAZR….call the Leader…..tell….tell…tell..tell….tell him we need 2.5 million dollars." Sasori hadn't stopped crying. He still had his head burying in his hands on the counter.

"Sasori, honey, you're….not thinking about this. Come on now, there's something in between the two price ranges we can find I'm sure." Lola said softly. Kisame walked in to see what was on TV.

"He freaked out about not finding a house didn't he?" Kisame asked calmly. Lola just shook her head yes.

"Sasori, you know, I am aware that you are always the man with a plan but I also know that you have these moments when your plan doesn't go EXACTLY the way you map it out in that mind of yours." Kisame lectured.

"You don't understand Kisame…I'm not cool enough for a house that has an outside permanent grilling area. The leader borrowed my Bobby Flay 'Boy Meets Grill' book two years ago and now my grilling skills…….SUCK!" Kisame just stared. Lola shook her head at Kisame, she really didn't know what to do for him. Her hands on him had calmed him down about 2 percent.

"Sasori…this isn't about your grilling skills is it?" Kisame asked trying to sort this out.

"Nooooooooooo!" Sasori wailed.

"Okay, well when you quit….doing whatever it is you're experiencing right now you can look at some of the other listings I found today." Kisame said. Meanwhile, Zetsu was in the wrong place at the wrong time…..

"The tide is high but I'm holdin' on. I'm gonna be your number one. Every time I get the feeling you give me somethin' to believe in. Every time that I got you near…… oh….hey Zetsu….." Hidan froze.

"Man, were you just singing….'The Tide is High'?" Zetsu asked somewhat surprised.

"Seriosuly…….yeah. I um…….do that sometimes after I'm out of the shower."

" Are you kidding! I totally love Atomic Kitten and their re-make of that song!"

"Seriously, I have the CD check it out." Hidan said forgetting the fact that he was wearing only a towel from where he had just gotten out of the shower.

"Dude! You are like…..hot, I've never seen you with this few clothes on! Did that sound gay?" Zetsu asked quickly rethinking his statements.

"Seriously, I know how you meant it." Zetsu would have never learned this if it weren't for the fact that Akatsuki had run out of room in their apartment.

Far, far away from the apartment, Itachi, Deidara, Marisol and Dana were now entirely unpacked. They had made such good time unpacking there was time left over to go through Marisol's 'SI 07' welcome pack.

"Okay, let's see what all is in here. Hmmmm 2 gift subscriptions to Sports Illustrated. What are we going to do with those?" Marisol wondered.

"I have an idea, we could sell them on eBay." Itachi suggested.

"Oh! Like we did with Kisame's PS2, yeah!"

"And Zetsu's collection of work-out videos."

"And Sasori's smoothie maker machine, yeah!" it was obvious Itachi and Deidara had developed a plan.

"Okay! eBay it is. Let's see what else I have. Here's our tickets to the gala tonight, and here's my identification number that I wear to the shoot location. Oh check this out! A pen! Dana, you get the pen!" Marisol said handing the pen over to Dana. "Oh good! Here's your passes to go with me to the shoot location and…..oh my god! Look! It's a list of the models and there's me! A shoot schedule for the next two days and it looks like…..I report at 9:30 tomorrow and 2:30 the next day. Oh! Look at this! A coupon book" Marisol was delighted with this 'welcome' package.

"Alright, let's start getting ready, yeah. We want to be sure and get there early so we're there when the bar opens, yeah." Deidara said. And so Marisol sorted all the important items they would need for the remainder of the trip and took off to her and Deidara's bedroom to pull her dress out of its garment bag. However, she didn't make it because she noticed the box Itachi had seen earlier sitting on themarble table.

"Deidara, what's that box?" She asked not even realizing it was for her.

"Well……it's for you, yeah! But I don't want you to open it now; I want you to open it later, yeah." Deidara said happily.

"It's for me!? Oh my god I wonder who it's from?" Marisol asked examining the box. "Oh my god! It's from you!" She squealed.

"I know, yeah!" Deidara was thrilled she had found it. "Oh my god! I just can't stand it, yeah! Open it now, open it now!" Deidara couldn't contain himself, he grabbed Marisol, and the box and took her into the bedroom where he plopped her on his lap on their bed. "Okay, read the card first, read the card, yeah!" There really wasn't anything Deidara loved more than getting stuff for Marisol.

"Okay, okay here comes the card! Marisol, I got you this because you deserve it and I secretly knew you picked it out, yeah. I love you. Oh my god! That's like THE best card ever!" Marisol hugged Deidara and she hadn't even opened the box yet.

"Alright, now this, yeah!" Deidara said shoving the box into his hands. He couldn't wait.

"Oh my god! It's a Victoria's Secret box!" Marisol squeaked. "Thank you, baby! I can so keep my bras in it!" It hadn't dawned on Marisol to OPEN the box…..

"No sweetheart, open the box, yeah!

"You mean there's more!? Marisol pulled the lid off and actually moved the bright pink tissue paper aside. "Oh my goooooooooood! It's the Whispery Georgette Pleated Babydoll style sleepwear! I so wanted this but they didn't have the light pink….but you found the light pink! Oh my god, I can so wear this tonight! Thank you baby! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Marisol threw her arms around Deidara again. Well, she may be a little slow, but she sure is sweet……

For those of you interested in seeing exactly what this delightful gift looks like, it's on the Victoria's secret website under Whispery Georgette Pleased Babydoll! Oh what fun!


	8. Chapter 8 The Big House

"So remember, we're just going to look at this house to prove to Sasori that Itachi and Deidara are not right, they never have been and they aren't right this time either." Zetsu said to Hidan as they waited on a cab to take them to one of the million dollar homes that Itachi and Deidara had picked out.

"Seriously, yes. We do not need a house this big or fancy or whatever." Hidan restated.

"Yes just like the time those two wanted to get cashmere cloaks for the winter months and Sasori freaked out and said that was the stupidest waste of money he'd ever heard of. And of course there was the time they wanted to have a car wash as a fundraiser for the leader and they wanted to do it right in front of our headquarters! Oh, and don't even get me started on the time those two thought that it would be a wonderful idea for us to host a fashion show for charity!" Zetsu ranted.

"Dude seriously, those ideas completely suck." Hidan said. The cab came to pick Zetsu and Hidan up and off to the million dollar home they went. The house was located outside of the center of town, 25 minutes away from the apartment. The good news, it was located on it's own property, no neighbors, that meant Akatsuki could be as noisy as they wanted without having neighbors complain. The cab driver didn't say anything as he approached a very long driveway that was gated.

"Zetsu, this place has a gate." Hidan said.

"I think we're supposed to buzz up to the realtor. Hey um….driver, push that button on the box and tell them we're here to see the house. The driver did as he was instructed and the gates were soon opened. The driver took them up the long drive.

"Alright guys, I'll be back in an hour to get you."

"Thanks." Zetsu answered as he and Hidan got out of the cab. Zetsu's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"Hidan….Hidan….check this out." Zetsu said.

"Check what out….holy shit…..ooh my god….this is some serious shit right here….." Neither of them moved they just stared at the huge house before them, the giant fountain in front of the house, the wrap around driveway, the grand entrance, the perfectly manicured yard….everything.

"Uhhh, we should go find the realtor, you know to get this over with and tell Sasori how much it sucks ass." Zetsu said.

"Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, let's go." And so they took off toward the entrance of the grand house. Hidan rang the doorbell.

"Hi! You must be the guys interested in the house!" This realtor was a guy.

"Yes, we'd like to check it out if you don't mind showing it." Zetsu said. Hidan was staring, mouth agape at the inside of this gorgeous house. Marble , granite and hardwood everywhere. Mirrors, luxurious lighting, and the sensual white woodwork intrigued Hidan.

"Oh I'm Zetsu, this is my….Hidan! Hidan close your mouth!" Zetsu scolded.

"Oh, oh, seriously, sorry, I'm…..I'm Hidan. We're friends we're not gay together or anything."

"Okay, it's cool. Well, let me tell you a little bit about the house and show you around. First, as you can see the entire lower level of this house is open, the living room is to your right which connects to the kitchen and dining area. The entire back of the house is glass because of the pool and the view. There is a spacious utility room and bathroom on this floor which I'll show you. There is also a separate pantry on this floor. Upstairs, there is one master bedroom, which I'll tell you right now will blow you away and there are six other rooms that can be bedrooms, guest rooms, office space, whatever your intentions may be. Um, I should tell you a little about the owners….they are going through a divorce and they hate each other right now so this house is sold as is…….guys….that means this house comes fully furnished. The only things the owners will be taking with them are the cars outside in the 5 car garage and any personal items in the house. This property is actually owned by the state right now." The realtor explained. Hidan hadn't blinked since he walked in to the house. Zetsu was doing an excellent job in keeping his composure.

45 minutes later…..

"Alright, well we appreciate the tour, it's truly a gorgeous house. Can we be in touch with you? We don't have much input in the final decisions."

"Dude, that was smooth." Hidan told Zetsu.

"Sure! You two have my number just give me a call anytime, if I'm not available leave me a message." Zetsu and Hidan didn't say a single word to one another as they walked out onto the wrap around driveway to wait for their cab.

"So…..we were right Zetsu…..that house….you know sucked total ass." Hidan said.

"Well, yeah of course it did…..I mean…..god did you see those dumb ass coordinated kitchen counter tops with the matching cabinetry….god!" Zetsu said unconvincingly.

"Seriously, and that infinity edge pool with the bar and grill and spacious tile patio and the fire pit? God what the hell!? Fuck that." Hidan said. They were both silent again.

"HIDAN….I LOVED THE HOUSE…..OH MY GOD HIDAN….THE HOUSE WAS SO FREAKING AMAZING!" Zetsu said with delight.

"I KNOW ! I KNOW! I KNOW! MAN! THE ENTERTAINMENT AREA WITH THE PLASMA TV! GOD ZETSU….

"WE NEED THAT HOUSE!!!!!!" Zetsu and Hidan screamed at the same time throwing their arms around one another.

" Whoa…that's the first time we've hugged…..ever."

"Seriously, sorry about that…just……got a little excited." Well, Zetsu and Hidan would have some bad news for Sasori.

"Oh my god….that's….that's….that's like the best speech I've ever heard, yeah. It was so well thought out….and…about the part where…..where I'm good in bed…and….and….and….and the part about….Dana, yeah." Deidara was in tears and fanning himself off.

"I know man, it was pretty moving. I got kind of choked up too." Itachi said. He, Deidara and Dana were sitting at one of the VIP tables oceanfront at the Sports Illustrated gala. Marisol had just made her speech she had rehearsed before they left. And now it was time for dinner to be served. Of course, Marisol was one of the few models who was actually interested in eating. Because after she made her speech, models had first dibs on the buffet line and out of 37 models….there were four in line. Marisol turned around and motioned for Dana, Deidara and Itachi to join her.

"Dana honey, you go ahead and join her we'll be right there after your brother quits crying." Itachi said. It looked like there was plenty of food so there was no hurry.

"Okay…I need to talk to you stop crying!" itachi said after Dana left.

"I'm sorry it's just…this is such an emotional time, yeah." Deidara whined.

"I know, I know now listen…I don't know if I can propose to Dana."

"What? You're backing out on Dana, yeah?" Deidara asked drying his eyes.

"No, no, no, no, god no, it's not that it's just….." itachi paused. He was getting all choked up. "It's just that…..this is Marisol's moment and I don't want Dana's spotlight taking that from her." Itachi had teared up now.

"You….you…you are such a nice person, yeah. You know, like Orochimaru calls you a bitch and stuff, yeah. And your brother is always all…..revenge, revenge, I'm going to kill Itachi, yeah! But….your heart really isn't an empty black hole, yeah." The tears continued until both of them finally gained enough composure and when Dana and Marisol were far enough ahead in the line that they could go up to the buffet.

"You know Itachi, Marisol is not going to care, she would love to see Dana get engaged on this trip, yeah." Deidara said now that his eyes were dry. "You know that Marisol isn't one of those jealous type of girls, yeah."

"I know she's not…but….it's just that….god…this is HER time to have every bit on attention on her."

"Well, when were you going to do it, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"I don't know, before we left. Oh come here, here's what I wanted to do." Itachi leaned over and whispered something into Deidara's ear. Naturally, Deidara started crying again.

"Oh my god….I would have never thought of that, yeah…see….people always say pretty people can't be smart, yeah. But….you're…you're like….so clever to think of that, yeah. Do it Itachi, please do that, yeah."

"You're sure about this?" Itachi asked handing Deidara a buffet plate.

"Yes I'm sure, yeah." Deidara answered.


	9. Chapter 9 Models with Attitude

"Well, did you see it? Sasori asked.

"Yeah…..we saw it……." Was all Zetsu asked. He looked at Hidan.

"Seriously….we toured it and everything……" Hidan said. There was more silence.

"And?" Sasori waited. Hidan glanced nervously at Zetsu

"Um…..SASORI THE HOUSE IS JUST SO FUCKING AMAZING! OH MY GOD YU'VE GOT TO SEE THAT HOUSE!" Hidan said grabbing Sasori's shoulders.

"Sasori! It's no wonder it was Itachi and Deidara's first pick! It's so……SEXY! It's the sexiest house……EVER!" Zetsu said.

"Oh god, I was afraid of this. Itachi that damn high maintenance bitch! And Deidara, spoiled, spoiled, SPOILED. See, I knew this would happen. I knew that those two would get what they wanted somehow!" Sasori ranted as he tapped an ink pen against the table.

"Seriously, Sasori just check out the house, it's amazing, it's exactly what we need." Hidan said. Sasori sighed.

"Oh god, oh god. I feel a bad decision coming on." Sasori said shaking his head.

"Sasori, I know you don't want to hear this….but Itachi and Deidara were….well…..right." Zetsu said quickly closing his head up after he said it.

"Fine, we'll all go and I'll call the leader and get the checkbook just in case." Sasori said.

"Wait! Sasori! Why can't we just use our checkbook?" Kakuzu asked.

"Because we ran out of checks and I forgot to tell you about it and we need to re-order." Sasori said.

"I'm on it! I'll call the bank to get them on the way." Kakuzu said.

"Hell, let's get this over with." Sasori said obviously upset over the fact that he didn't get a negative report from the house. He blamed this whole thing on stupid Itachi and Deidara and speaking of them…..

"Oh my god! There are like…..a lot of models here." Marisol panicked. "How do I look?" Marisol asked nervously.

"Perfect, absolutely perfect, yeah." Deidara reassured her pulling blonde hair around the front of her shoulders.

"Really, Marisol, he may lie about what he's REALLY getting you for Christmas but he is so not lying about this swear, yeah." Dana said.

"So, I don't look fat?" she asked.

"Hell no you don't look fat." Itachi told her. She hugged Deidara ad then left to join the other models. There were two models that walked by Itachi, Deidara and Dana. They stopped in front of them.

"Are YOU modeling in this year's issue?" one of them asked Dana.

"No, but my best friend is, yeah!" she said happily. The two girls laughed.

"Oh god, well you could never make it anyway, you don't have breasts like these." One of the models told Dana flipping her brunette hair around. Naturally, Deidara hyperventilated at the fact that someone would say that to Dana….and Itachi? Well, he decided to calmly piece this girl with words that hurt. He put his arm around Dana.

"I'm going to ask you something…Deidara, quit hyperventilating." Itachi said listening to Deidara lose his breath. "Anyway, I'm……Deidara….breathe!" Itachi was getting frustrated. "Sorry, okay now let me…..DEIDARA FOR GOD'S SAKE SHUT THE HELL UP!" Itachi screamed. Deidara quickly straightened up. "Now….what are your measurements? Itachi asked. The woman put her hands on her hips.

"38, 24, 36. That's how I got in this magazine." She answered. What a snot. "Alright, when was the last time you had a date?" Itachi continued. She took a step back, she wasn't expecting this.

"Uh….like……4 weeks ago." She answered hesitantly.

"Alright, and do you have a boyfriend now? Because there are several articles in magazines that focus on how women like you love to put down other women around you that have boyfriends because it's an area of insecurity in your own life." The woman started to cry. "Success." Itachi said under his breath as she took her friend and ran off.

"Did you just make that bitch cry, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"Yes." Itachi answered.

"Good, let's go see when the photographer is going to shoot Marisol and where, yeah." Deidara said. Things for Marisol weren't going much better with the other models.

"Whoa! How did you get picked for this magazine?" one of them asked her. Since Marisol was so innocent, she answered her.

"Hmmm. I don't know. I guess they liked me!" Marisol smiled.

"Whatever, they'll stuff the top of your bikini, I don't know why YOU'RE in this with the rest of us." And she walked away. Marisol didn't quite understand but that was okay, the photographer had just called for her.

"Hi there. Let me get a look at you, Miss Chavez. Yes….hmm…very beautiful you are. Very natural beauty. Okay good! I'll come get you in about fifteen minutes and we'll shoot." The photographer told her.

"Hey, I wonder if anyone back home has done any more homework on buying a house?" Itachi wondered grabbing Dana's hand.

"Oh my god! Marisol is just so precious when she's in the ocean, yeah." Deidara was paying no attention.

"Deidara you listen to me when I talk to you." Itachi said.

"Oh my god, I forgot to tell her to put sun block on, yeah. Her skin is like so sensitive."

"Deidara…."

"You know there could be jellyfish in there, yeah. Oh god…what if there's jellyfish!? What if she gets stung yeah?"

"Deidara I'm talking to you!" Itachi was once again losing patience.

"Hmmm I could lick her if she gets stung, but that won't do any good, yeah. Damn it! I should have brought her a beach towel, yeah."

"Deidara! For the love of god….I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Itachi screamed at him.

"Hey Itachi, remember when we left and we were all talking about buying a house, yeah? How do you think that's going? Do you think we'll get the house we picked out, yeah? Oh my god! If we do buy that house we'll finally have a walk-in closet, yeah! Won't that be great Itachi, yeah? Itachi…hey why are you glaring at me like you're pissed as hell. God, you act like I don't listen to you, yeah!"

"Hey, Sasori! I've created a monthly budget for us based on what I think it will cost to live in that house. According to my calculations, the monthly total will be 937 dollars and 56 cents.

"Well, take the calculator with you because something tells me I'm going to be sick after all this is over." Sasori said dully. Much to Sasori's dismay, they had arrived at the house that Zetsu and Hidan had previously explored.

"Great, it's huge and luxurious." Sasori said sarcastically. "Lola, don't let me flip out on anyone."

"It's okay baby." She said. Her ways were comforting. Sasori met the realtor as Zetsu and Hidan did.

"Tobi, you have to be a good boy. Don't roll around in the yard, stay out of the pool and whatever you do, stay right beside me the entire time we go through this gorgeous house." Kakuzuz instructed.

"Alright, Zetsu, Tobi will be a good boy. Tobi will be a good boy for Akatsuki." Tobi repeated to himself.

"Oh my god, oh my god…this is unbelievable." Kisame whispered to himself.

One 34 minutes house tour later

"Thanks for showing this place to the rest of us. We'll have an answer for you tomorrow." The diplomatic Sasori said. The realtor agreed to this. As everyone left the house Sasori immediately flipped out the RAZR and called the Sandals Resort and Spa in Cancun. "Well, it's obvious you're gone. I just wanted to tell you that we looked at the house you two picked out today and I want you to know that it only gives my high blood pressure and increases my moodiness. I'll try to catch you later. Bye."


	10. Chapter 10 Deal Closers

"Alright, the way I see it is this: There are seven bedrooms in the house including that one room that can be made into a bedroom, which I have to admit is a cool room. Let's draw a diagram here." Sasori quickly sketched. "So, we'll call this bedroom one, two….and so on and we'll label this one master since it is the master bedroom. Let's hypothetically put me and Lola in bedroom one, Kakuzu in bedroom two, Hidan, bedroom three, Kisame in four, Zetsu in five, and Tobi in six . This leaves the master bedroom for Itachi, Deidara, Dana, and Marisol."

"Man, that was so not hypothetical! You had that completely figured out! You knew from the start you were going to put all them in there together….dude you're good. They would have to build a wall petition to separate that room." Kisame said.

"I say hypothetical because we just can't get that house. You heard what Kakzuzu said it would cost to live there!" Sasori said.

"Riiiiiight, but….think about this Sasori. First, our organization is loaded but more importantly I want you to think about it: Waking up in the morning with Lola and reading your newspaper in peace…" Zetsu knew this would push Sasori over the edge.

"So you're saying…no screaming, no fighting, none of Itachi's drama, none of Deidara talking and never shutting up, no more 'he used the last of my shampoo for blondes, yeah' or ' Deidara give me that shirt back'. No more of Deidara bothering me with stupid questions when all I want to do is read or watch TV? No more waking up at 2:30 in the morning to the sound of Dana moaning underneath Itachi!? Oh my god……that……hell that's worth 2.5 million dollars! Oh hell, we need that house!!" It was just enough to convince Sasori.

"We're getting the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hidan yelled.

"YARD!!!!!!!!!!!" chimed Tobi.

"Oh god, I can finally have a small flower garden!" Kisame said dreamily.

"I'll get our finances in order!" Kakuzu volunteered.

"At last! A sun room is perfect for me to get lots of light!" Zetsu said.

"Okay, first off, I'd like to state that I am still pissed over the fact that Itachi and Deidara were right. Secondly, a lot of shit has to happen today…mainly closing the deal on the house." Sasori said.

"Wait, wait, wait….let me negotiate. We will not pay 2.5 million for that house. The realtor talks like the owners really want to sell. I'll do all the talking." Lola insisted.

"Oh god I'm going to be sick when this actually happens." Sasori said. Sasori flipped out the RAZR again and called the Sandals Resort again. "Itachi, Deidara I just want to let you know that you got your way. We're going today to finalize the deal on the giant house you two picked out. I hope you're happy, I'm already starting to sweat over this whole ordeal. I'll talk to you later." Sasori hung up the phone. "Alright, let's get moving. I want to get this over with before I change my mind." And so It was time to head back to the giant house so Lola could make an offer. Kakuzu had 'the leader's' Akatsuki checkbook close at hand.

"Nice Miss Chavez, very nice. Thank you. It thrills me to photograph a real woman for once. I'll see you tomorrow." Marisol said goodbye to the photographer, of course every other model hated her right now because she was the only model there that the photographer talked to and complimented. She went over to where Itachi, Deidara and Dana had been waiting on her throughout the morning.

"Marisol! Come out here, yeah!" Dana yelled at her. The 3 of them were currently in the ocean waiting for her. Marisol quickly joined them.

"Oh my god! That was like so much fun! The photographer is really nice!" Marisol said putting her arms around Deidara.

"So, Marisol, those other models…are every single one of them complete bitches?" Itachi asked as the four of them drifted over the waves.

"Basically, yes. They are all really jealous of one another and they all hate me. They keep saying I don't deserve to be here." She said.

"Honey, you don't listen to anything those girls say to you, yeah. You're more perfect than any of them. Deidara said holding her scantly clad body against him.

"So do you get any of your pictures before they publish, yeah? Dana asked with shining eyes.

"Yes! I get the unused shots mailed to me!" Marisol was so happy. Of course in the midst of this joyous occasion, no one saw the larger wave coming at all of them. And no one expected that it would break right on top of them.

"You know, this afternoon we should go to that….oh shit…AAAGGGGHHHHHH!" Itachi was the only one who could get half of a sentence out. The wave had successfully walloped all four of them.

"Oh my god! I can't see! I can't see! Oh god, yeah! I'm blind! I'm….oh wait….that's just my hair in my face, yeah." Deidara said now completely covered in sand, blonde hair a absolute mess with seaweed and grit now entangled in it.

"Shit! Dumb ass wave! I had JUST applied that new Frederic Fekkai hair gloss this morning too! God! Salt is so abrasive to my hair…oh and Marisol don't come out of the water, the top of your bikini is wrapped around my foot." Itachi warned.

"Oh wow! Then that means I'm naked right now because the bottom of bikini is down around my ankles." Marisol said calmly.

"I think I just ate sand, yeah." Dana said spitting sand and salt out of her mouth, of course she was having bikini woes of her own, since it was a really hard wave. The top of her bikini was loaded with sand, however she could fix this problem.

"Great, the tongues in my hands just licked the sand, yeah. That means…actually I don't know what that means, but it happened, yeah!" Deidara gasped. "Marisol! You're top is gone, yeah!" Marisol had her arms wrapped around herself moving towards Itachi who was currently washing the sand out of Marisol's top. He handed it to her.

"Okay, Deidara once you're done rinsing all that crap out of your hair, you're going to have to dress me." Marisol said.

"I'll be right there honey, you just keep floating around in the waves because I'm having some problems, yeah. There are shells in my hair, yeah."

"So anyway, like I was saying before the fucking wave from HELL we should all go to that ocean side place for lunch and their 4 dollar cosmopolitans today." Itachi said trying to detangle his hair.

"Baby, that is a great idea, yeah! We'll go back to the hotel and shower and get ready and check out Cancun the rest of the day, yeah." Dana said.

"Oh! Yeah that's a great idea Dana!" Marisol said still topless in the ocean, although she had pulled her bottom part back up to her hips.

"Here Lola, forget all the negotiations just unbutton a couple buttons on your blouse." Sasori said unbuttoning Lola's first two buttons. She laughed at him. "No, let's go for three." Sasori unbuttoned another. "You know what screw it, just show him your bra we'll get the house for 10 dollars." Sasori said unbuttoning Lola's shirt the rest of the way. She kept laughing.

"Sasori! I can handle this." She said buttoning her shirt up again. "Oh and you know what, this house is located 20 minutes closer to the office where I got the job." She said.

"Great! Another positive about the house!" Sasori said stressing out.

"Kakuzu, can I have the checkbook?" Lola asked.

"Sure thing Lola, here you go." He handed the checkbook over and now it was time to sit down with the realtor. Everyone else kept a low profile, but Lola sat directly across from the realtor.

"First off, thank you for taking time to show us the house. We really appreciate it. Secondly, we'd like to make you an offer.

"That's great!" the realtor said. Lola shuffled some things around and pulled out the checkbook. She tore a check out of it. Sasori started sweating a lot.

"As you can see, I have here a blank….Winnie the Pooh design check. I am prepared to write it in the amount of 989 thousand dollars." Lola's speech was done and she clicked her pen, preparing to write. Zetsu started fanning Sasori off.

"I don't know if I'm sweating so much because this is the most nervous I've ever been in my life or because Lola is so incredibly sexy when she does stuff like this." Sasori said choking on his words.

"Breathe man, breathe!" Zetsu said. The realtor looked at her ready pen and the Winnie the Pooh check.

"Seriously, why does the leader have Winnie the Pooh checks?" Hidan asked.

"I don't know, he used to have 101 Dalmatians checks." The realtor smiled.

"You are obviously a woman who does her homework. The owners of the house are willing to accept this offer therefore I will also accept your offer." Lola smiled. Sasori had just passed out.

"Dude! Wake up!" Zetsu said slapping Sasori.

"Perfect, who do I make this check out to?" The realtor told Lola the name of the agency.

"I need whoever is going to be signing the deed to sign some paperwork. I will also need you to co-sign." The realtor said.

"Alright, Sasor….oh! Honey, honey! Come on now, don't pass out now! You need to sign some papers." Lola had Sasori in her arms now. "Sasori….Sasori wake up honey." Saosri was starting to stir.

"What…what happened. Where's grandma Chiyo? Lola? Hey, did you show the realtor your bra?" Sasori said groggily.

"Sasori, honey, I need for you to come to your senses and sign some papers. We just bought the house. Now don't pass out on me again." It was a good thing Lola had a comforting touch and auburn hair that smelled good.

"Okay….papers….yeah….sign papers…." Sasori said still trying to come back.

"We'll be just a moment, he hasn't taken this whole thing very well." Lola said to the realtor. It seemed that it was official…Akatsuki had a house, but not just any house THE house. But there was still unfinished business in Cancun…..


	11. Chapter 11 Time to Pack Up

"Oh my god! It's about time one of you answers the phone." Sasori said.

"Hey, Sasori." Itachi answered the phone.

"So, did you get the message?" Sasori asked.

"There's a message? We just got in. I just got out of the shower, Dana's in the shower and well Deidara and Marisol….well they're doing something else while they wait to get in the shower."

"Well, we bought the stupid big house you two picked out." Sasori said dully.

"Are you serious! Oh my god! Oh my god! Dana they bought the house!" Itachi yelled in to the shower.

"They did, yeah!? Oh my god! I can't wait to go inside! I can't wait to see the pool, yeah!" Dana yelled back.

"Yeah, so listen, we're going to start packing up here at the apartment and I need your permission to touch you and Deidara's stuff. It will put lovingly in to boxes." Sasori said.

"Yeah that's fine but listen get all of our bedding and we have stuff in the bathroom that we didn't bring. Get ALL of our clothes okay ALL of them!" Itachi instructed.

"Alright, how's Cancun?" Sasori asked.

"Fucking unbelievable Marisol is working the camera and we're having a great time. We'll see you in a couple days." Itachi hung up the phone.

"Okay, we have permission to touch their stuff. We have got to start packing stuff up." Sasori the coordinator delegated tasks.

"You know, I'm going to miss this apartment. All the memories here. Kisame getting the sweeper bag stuck under the couch, Sasori burning the hamburgers down by the pool last summer. Deidara drunk and getting his hand stuck in the peanut butter jar and Itachi just as drunk and screaming at him to get it out. Tobi….being Tobi. Hidan and Kakuzu…fighting…like they are right now." Zetsu reminisced.

"Kakuzu! Shut the hell up! Don't tell me how to pack my religious items!"

"God you piss me off so much! It's all religion with you!"

"Oh yeah!? Well, you are so obsessed with money you check the couch after we have guests over, seriously!"

"Take that back! I only did that one time asshole!"

"Oh go to hell Kakuzu you do that stupid shit all the time…OH MY GOD PUT MY HOLY JASSHIN BOOK DOWN!" Kakuzu taunted him by picking up the Jasshin book.

"What! Hidan! That's my man purse! Leave my man purse alone!" Kakuzu yelled seeing Hidan pick up his purse.

"Oh, oh what if I reach inside and take out your wallet and…oh! I just rearranged the order of your bills! Now the one dollar bill is behind the 20!" Hidan said taunting him back.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! You know how incredibly pissed I get when my money isn't in proper numerical order! You stupid ass!"

"Oh Kakuzu, you freak out over the stupidest shit, seriously! Oh you bitch..don't you EVEN! That is MY scythe! Everyone knows that Jasshin REQUIRES a scythe! Put my scythe down right now dumb ass!"

"I'm Hidan! I carry a scythe, oh I'm so holy and devoted to my faith! Look at me I think I look good and I pray every 27 seconds." Kakuzu said mockingly.

"Oh! You…..I'm Kakuzu, I'm a money hungry bastard! I keep my money in a purple piggy bank under my bed, oh I'm so big and bad! Check out my man purse!" Hidan mocked back.

"You are such a dumb ass! You're jealous because all your religious shit won't fit in to any kind of bag or purse! You have to put it all in boxes and then it takes up tons or room because you're always like 'oh but I have to worship! I have to be a devout follower of Jasshin'!" Kakuzu fought back.

"Serisouly, oh my god! Get out! Get out, get out, get out!" Hidan yelled at him throwing his scythe across the room at him.

"Hey! Be careful with that thing! We haven't lost our security deposit on this apartment…even though we almost did once. But we really want that back." Kisame instructed as he went to check on what Hidan and Kakuzu were up to.

"Sorry, sorry. Kakuzu is being a little BITCH again."

"Okay, so the plan of action is this: Lola, stuff is already packed so we're going to start working on my stuff and then we'll take the kitchen. Tobi you pack everything that's yours in your room. Zetsu, you and Kisame pack up your room and then start working on the laundry room. Hidan, you and Kakuzu work on your room then the hallway bathroom. Once all that is complete, we'll all work in the living room and then decide what to do about Itachi and Deidara's room and bathroom." Sasori delegated.

"What about all of Marisol and Dana's stuff?" Zetsu asked.

"Damn, I don't know. Dana has some stuff here, I don't know what stuff is hers and what is Marisol's. Fortunately, those two live together, they may have to pack the rest of their crap up when they get back from Cancun." Sasori said. And with the orders issued, everyone began packing for the big move.

"Hey, are we going to haul all this stuff ourselves? Remember what happened when we moved in here and Itachi dropped the couch on the flight of stairs because some hot girl said hi to him…everyone else went down with the couch." Kisame said.

"Well, we can ask the leader for the AKTSUKI conversion van. Itachi won't be getting distracted like that this time because he has Dana, and since the house is furnished we don't need to haul this stupid couch with us." Sasori said.

"Very well, I'll get to work." Kisame said. And so the packing began. It was hard to tell how long this would take and who would get stuck with the daunting task of packing up Itachi and Deidara's room.

"Alright, you two ready?" Itachi asked. He and Dana were ready to leave for the rest of the day. But of course, Deidara had taken forever to get ready.

"Okay! So we're going for the cosmopolitans. They are only four dollars until 5:00, yeah! And we brought like, all these travelers checks so that means…..well….that we can sign them, yeah!" Dana said thrilled.

"Oh my god, that is like such a good idea! Oh! And you know what, later we can go to that ocean front walk thing. There's supposed to be people that sell fake handbags out of run down cars and ugly bed sheets there!" Marisol said.

"We can haggle to get a cheap price, yeah! Dana said.  
"Yes! And you know how much I love to argue in Spanish!" Marisol said barely able to contain herself.

"AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Deidara screamed near the window."

"What's wrong, baby? Marisol wondered.

"THERE'S A PARROT OUTSIDE, YEAH!" you can imagine the excitement.

"Well, maybe we can find it when we go outside." Deidara turned around and grabbed Marisol's hands. His eyes were as wide as plates.

"Do you think we can, yeah?" Deidara asked choking on his words at the mere thought of being able to find the parrot. Marsiol shook her head yes. Itachi rolled his eyes and was already out the door with Dana. Deidara and Marisol were close behind. It was going to be an eventful evening in Cancun.


	12. Chapter 12 The Margarita Bar

"Tobi, that's not the proper way to pack. Remember, we only have so much space in that U-Haul truck and Lola's stuff is already taking up some of that space." Kisame said looking at Tobi's absolutely horrible packing job. Tobi had thrown all his crap randomly in boxes, nothing was stacked. Nothing was organized, it was just….thrown.

"What did I do wrong Kisame? I know I can fix it! I just know I can!" Tobi said not completely understanding the error of his ways.

"Look, you've got a fitted sheet from your bed rolled up into a ball, you have three Mr. Potato Head's, a pair of water skis, an extra cloak, and a bar of soap in the same box. Tobi, you need to organize. First, the water skis…I have no idea who those belong to. Secondly, you need to put all your Mr. Potato Head's in the SAME box and label them 'Mr. Potato Head's'. Lastly, you need to put all your bedding in the same box, don't mix stuff up, Tobi!" Kisame scolded and then he went to resume his own packing. Tobi studied what he had done.

"Hmmm….Kisame is right. Why didn't I think of that!" And so Tobi began to unpack everything he had already packed…only to re-pack it.

"Lola, we're almost out of newspaper and bubble wrap for all these glasses and why the hell do we have so many wine goblets? I'm the only one who likes wine!" Sasori said packing up the kitchen.

"Okay, well I'll run to Kinko's and get some more bubble wrap and steal someone's paper while I'm out!" Lola said.

"Smart, real smart." Sasori said.

"Seriously, I'm scared." Hidan said to Zetsu

"Why?"

"Because, this is…you know…their room. It smells nice and everything is put in a specific place. Serisouly, what if we pack something wrong?" Hidan was nervous about touching anything in Itachi and Deidara's room.

"HIDAN! YOU DIDN'T FINISH CLEANING YOUR SIDE OF THE ROOM!" Kakuzu yelled.

"GO TO HELL! FUCKING CLEAN IT YOURSELF DUMB ASS!" Hidan yelled back. Kakuzu was not going to argue anymore with him in this hour.

"Well, the way I see it is that we are doing them a huge favor by packing all their crap." Zetsu said.

"Seriously, I know but…there is just so much stuff in here, like those vertical blinds. DO we take those vertical blinds?" Hidan asked.

"I doubt it. Alright, what we're going to do is take this box, sit it on Itachi's bed, calmly open the closet and look inside." Zetsu said formulating a plan. He took a deep breath and opened the closet.

"Holy hell….." was all Hidan said.

"Hidan……we're going to need another box…." Zetsu said moderately freaking out over ALL the stuff in their closet.

"Okay, okay….um…Hidan you go get another box and I'm going to just close this closet and start with that chest of drawers instead." Zetsu said as Hidan left to get another box. Zetsu opened up the first drawer and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good, boxers and other crap that doesn't take up a lot of space. Zetsu started packing. "What the hell? These still have the price tag on them….oh my god! 58 dollars!? What are they made of…..cashmere!? Oh, yes they are…" Zetsu said out loud to no one.

"Kisame have you ever wondered why we have two sets of silverware?" Sasori asked emptying kitchen drawers.

"Oh that? Apparently, that set belonged to the leader but his wife wanted a new set so one day she dropped it off here." Kisame answered.

"Hmmm, okay. Well, I don't want to pack two sets let's give it to those two crazy old lady's that live like 4 units down." Sasori said.

"That is an excellent idea! Remember how much they loved that horrible fruit cake Zetsu took them after Christmas?" Kisame reminisced.

"Alright, Zetsu I'm looking in this closet and all I see are Dana's shoes…or I guess they could me Marisol's shoes…hell, women's shoes that's what I see first." Hidan said.

"Start with those; they can sort them out later." Zetsu said.

"Oooooooooh god! Deidara, Deidara you gotta listen to me. I'm….a little bit drunk…..okay OKAY I'm so…..fucking drunk." Itachi was slurring his words together. The four of them had found a half price margarita bar in downtown Cancun. After finding Deidara's parrot that he insisted on finding and playing with that thing for a good 20minutes they took their journey elsewhere, which eventually led to this margarita bar. Marisol and Dana had successfully purchased 14 knock-off handbags for a very reasonable price and now they had been drinking and gazing at the ocean for the past 2 hours.

"Itachi, you are talking so loud right now, yeah." Deidara said.

"No, no, no listen. You gotta listen to me. I'm so drunk that I don't even know if I'll be able to perform tonight but I want you to know…." Itachi paused. "I have no idea what I was going to say next…" Itachi put his head on Deidara's arm.

"Marisol, honey you've had four margaritas…." Deidara thought a moment before he finished that sentence. "You know, just come straddle my lap, yeah. You need to just remain still until we leave, yeah." Marisol laughed as she tried to climb on Deidara's lap in a skirt…..it wasn't easy. As for Dana, she was currently attempting to read their bar receipt.

"Why did they give us this receipt, yeah? Who said we were done drinking, yeah?" Dana said already on her 5th margarita." She tried to move though and instead tripped over Itachi.

"You know what Deidara!" itachi was still talking loudly.

"Itachi, you need to stop drinking now, yeah! I am only about 30 percent drunk and you….oh god, yeah."

"Honey, I'm only 47 percent drunk." Marisol said kissing Deidara.

"Marisol, sweetheart, you are about 79 percent drunk, yeah." Deidara said holding her tightly enough to wear she would not fall off his lap. She just laughed and threw her arms around him. God, get these four out of Cancun soon…..


	13. Chapter 13 Pre Engagement

"No! Itachi, stop this….this whatever attitude you've decided to get this morning, yeah. I told you to stop at 2 margaritas last night but you wouldn't listen to me, yeah! I have no sympathy for you, yeah." Deidara said continuing to do his hair while Itachi glared pissed as hell.

"If this were you, I would be supportive but since it was obvious that you had no difficulties since you…no… Marisol woke me up at 4:30 screaming your…." Deidara cut him off.

"itachi, shut up. I warned you, you didn't listen, this is over, yeah. Now, I am going to have a lovely, peaceful breakfast with Marisol outside, yeah. You and Dana can join us or you can stay up here and keep freaking out over nothing, yeah. But my baby is ready to go and we are leaving because we want one of the ocean front tables before the old rich bitches get them, yeah. Goodbye." For once, Deidara was sick of Itachi's moaning. Besides, Itachi should have realized that all that tequila impairs your ability….to be a man.

"Oh god…." Lola was breathing hard. "Sasori…..Sasori….this…isn't….working." Sasori and Lola had taken the U-Haul truck to the house to deliver the first load of stuff. "We…..we need….reinforcements. Oh shit…..I think I just broke our dishes." Lola was panting and sweating like crazy because she and Sasori were trying to unload the truck and put crap in the house by themselves.

"Okay, Lola we need a new plan. You're right; some of these boxes are just way to heavy for me and you." Sasori said staring at the endless sea of boxes before them. "Alright, let's both of us carry those dishes inside together, we'll quit stacking stuff, that will lessen the load." Sasori said. Lola agreed and they both picked up the box marked 'dishes'. However, they did not like what they heard and they both looked at each other with wide fearful eyes.

"Oh god…Sasori…..I really did break the dishes."

"Okay, okay let's remain calm….let's open the box." Sasori pulled a box cutter out of his pocket and sliced the box open at the top. They looked inside the box at the dishes…in pieces. "Alright, when Itachi asks…Orochimaru and Kabuto came over and did this. Our alibi is that those two morons tried to help us move and they dropped the box." Sasori quickly developed their story.

"Why is Itachi going to care?" Lola asked.

"Because he and Deidara found these dishes at some super saver after New Year's oh god I don't know what kind of sale it was but they got these dishes on sale and they were not cheap dishes.

"God, I feel so horrible." Lola said as they both now sat in the U-Haul truck looking at the broken dishes.

"it's okay baby. Let's do this. We know where all of your stuff is and we know where all my stuff is, let's unload OUR crap and claim the bedroom we want." Saosri said.

"Okay that sounds good, let's get that room with the drop floor, the one that's not a bedroom but it could be."

"Three boxes? Threes boxes!? Really? All Dana or Marisol's stuff? You haven't even gotten to Itahci and Deidara's crap?" Kisame asked.

"Hey! It's not easy in there! I have already had a stack of Itachi's modeling headshots fall on my head and THEN I stepped in a bird's nest that shouldn't have been in the closet anyway! And to top it all off I went to pull a drawer out of the dresser, pulled it all the way out by accident and knocked Hidan in the head!" Zetsu said entirely unpleased.

"So what's Hidan doing now?" Kisame wondered.

"He's folding Itachi and Deidara's pants."

"ZETSU! ZETSU GET THE HELL IN HERE!" Hidan yelled. Zetsu left Kisame to see what Hidan was yelling about. "Zetsu! Seriously! Zetsu…..look…." Hidan was sitting on the bed but he had found something in one of Itachi's pants pockets.

"What is it….oh my god…..Hidan….that's….." Zetsu just stared.

"It's an invoice….from Tiffany and Company…..for an engagement ring."

"OH MY GOD!!!!!!" Zetsu and Hidan screamed in unison.

"What do we do!? Do we tell everyone else?" Zetsu asked.

"Seriously, I doubt it. We don't know exactly what this means. Let's just leave it in these pants. Because this could mean that the ring is ordered, it could mean that it's paid for…we just don't know."

"Okay, just keep packing as if you never found that!" Zetsu said. And so packing resumed as if nothing had happened.

"Hey maybe I'll find 20 dollars in the next pants pocket." Hidan said.

"Tobi, are you positive you've packed everything?" Kisame asked.

"Yes Kisame! I've packed everything!" Tobi said confidently.

"You're absolutely certain you've packed EVERY SINGLE THING that belongs to you?" Kisame questioned harder.

"Oh yes Kisame! I've made certain to check those often missed places and I've properly packed everything I have!" Tobi was so proud.

"And you're…….positive…..you're ready to load the truck and Sasori and Lola get back here." Kisame went on.

"Yes!" Tobi answered.

"Okay……." Kisame paused. "TOBI! YOU IDIOT! YOU DIDN'T PACK ANY OF SHIRTS! YOU LEFT EVERY SHIRT YOU OWN ON KAKUZU'S BED!" Kisame yelled at him.

"Oh my, oh my! How could I have forgotten those! I'll pack them right now Kisame! Right now!" Tobi got ready to run off and pack.

"No, stupid, Kakuzu packed for you." Kisame said rolling his eyes.

"Oh I'm really going to have to thank him for that." Tobi said.

"Okay, okay to the left….steady…..steady…….whoa, whoa, to the right, okay just a little…..AAAAGGGGGHHHH!" Sasori had just fallen backwards into the sunken floor in the room that he and Lola liked. The 4 boxes they were balancing sprayed into the air because then Lola tripped on the edge and went tumbling right on top of him. Naturally, three out of four boxes landed on both of them. Lola sighed.

"You know, we're going to have some explaining to do because you and I are both going to be covered in bruises tomorrow." She said.

"Yes, and next time we bring Kisame and we force him to carry crap in here," Sasori said. Fortunately, the boxes that went flying through the air were marked 'pillows', 'Sasori's clothes', 'Lola's legal documents', and 'Sasori's puppet'…that box hurt a bit when it hit….

Well, Deidara had almost too much fun at the photo shoot with Marisol. Dana and Itachi loved watching Marisol rule the place. Of course, when the photographer asked Marisol to take her top off and pull her hair around to cover herself Deidara nearly lost it. The other models were pissed as hell that they weren't the pick for this shot but the photographer chose Marisol for her 'beautiful back' and her 'natural lines'. Deidara was just happy that she got picked for the best shot in the entire photo spread.

It was now after dark in Cancun and Itachi insisted on taking Dana to dinner alone because at the end of dinner was when his plan began. This left Marisol and Deidara on their own, so they decided to have dinner at one of the five star seafood restaurants on the waterfront…nothing less EVER for Marisol.

"Oh my god! Marisol, I have to tell you a secret, yeah." Deidara said leaning over towards her. Marisol's eyes grew wide.

"Oh! A secret! You know how much I totally love secrets!" Marisol said quickly sitting her martini down on the table.

"Okay, okay, now…you can't tell Dana about this, yeah." Deidara reached out and grabbed her hands. Marisol couldn't wait. "Tomorrow……" Deidara took a deep breath. "Tomorrow, Itachi is proposing to Dana, yeah." Marisol's mouth dropped open. She let go of Deidara's hands and covered her mouth to muffle the scream of excitement that came after it.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my gooooooood! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Her voice was so squeaky that only Deidara and dogs could hear it. "Oh my god, I'm just so excited! I can't believe this! And here in Cancun! Ooooooh, I'm sure it will be just so perfect. Baby, I won't say a single word." Marisol was so happy.

"Oh sweetheart, wait until you see the ring, yeah." Deidara said.

"Awwww is it beautiful?" she asked sipping her martini again. Deidara smiled and motioned her in close to him. He took her hands again and leaned in toward her ear.

"Oh it's beautiful but not nearly as beautiful as you will be later when we…." Only Marisol could hear the last part. Her eyes lit up again. She laughed.

"Oh god are you serious!? She asked.

"Of course I'm serious, yeah!" Deidara said. Marisol smiled. Tomorrow was the day…but would everyone else get completely moved to the new house by the time this bunch got back from Cancun?


	14. Chapter 14 Orochimaru's Omelet

"Oh damn….there….that's the last of it, seriously. Oh god, Lola! What the hell happened to you!?" Hidan asked as Lola walked through the front door of the apartment.

"Oh nothing, let's just say I hope I get to take a long hot bath tonight at that new house." Lola said looking completely mauled to death after the incident with the boxes.

"Is this everything?" Sasori asked leaning against the doorframe.

"Yes, it's everything but the problem is going to be once we get it to that house, we have to unpack." Kakuzu said. "And I personally don't even have the strength to do that tonight." Kakuzu said.

"He's right we should sleep here tonight and take this lat load over there in the morning." Kisame said passed out on the couch that would not be moved to the new house.

"That's fine, but if that's what we're doing Sasori and I are going back to the new house for a long, long, long relaxing bath." Lola said. Sasori's head perked up.

"Lola I hope to god you're serious about that." Sasori said.

"Don't worry baby, serious as a heart attack." Lola said walking into the kitchen and drinking water out of the sink faucet. It wasn't like there were actually any glasses left in the cabinet.

"Just so you know, Itachi and Deidara had the most crap and we still don't know that Marisol and Dana's stuff is accounted for from their apartment. Their total came to 13 boxes…the rest of us had 13 boxes total between all 7 of us!" Zetsu complained.

"You know they can worry about that when they get back from Cancun tomorrow. I have enjoyed this time without Deidara far too much, god it's been so…….wonderful." Sasori said dreamily. Sasori's RAZR rang. "Orochimaru? What do you want?" Sasori said absently. "Yes, yes we're moving. You know I don't understand why the leader tells you this kind of stuff. What? No we're not having a moving party! No, we're not having a house warming party either! God…why do you do this shit? Orochi…Oro….Or…oh for god's sake quit whining! You know, this is exactly why you're not in Akatsuki anymore all you do it bitch! Goodbye, I'm hanging up!" Sasori said flipping the RAZR shut. "You know I'm actually starting to understand why Itachi can't take Sasuke for more than 20 minutes. He's starting to act like Orochimaru." Sasori said.

"Hey, you know what my favorite memory of this apartment is?" Zetsu said dreamily.

"No, what is it?" Tobi asked. Zetsu laughed.

"The time Itachi threw Deidara in the pool that was good stuff." Kisame laughed.

"I remember that. I would have to say my favorite memory of this apartment is our Halloween party. I loved my Elvis costume and we had fun that night." Kisame said.

"Oh hell, remember the time Itachi went crazy over that stain on the carpet in the hallway? I thought he was going to tear Kisame's ass apart." Hidan said.

"You know what my LEAST favorite memory is? The time Deidara had a fucking bird sitting on a stupid egg in our laundry room. Good god, I was glad when that episode was over…of course it hatched and made our lives hell until the damn thing flew away." Sasori sighed. "Thank god those days are gone.

" Seriously Sasori, I think you miss him." Hidan said. "But aside from that, do you guys realize that it if weren't for me and the dumb ass Kakuzu teaming up with you guys, you'd still be in your other place?" Hidan proved a good point.

"He's right! And then I joined and I'm so happy I did!" Tobi interjected. Zetsu rolled his eyes.

"Well guys, Lola and I are leaving to go take a bath at the house we'll be back sometime. You all load what's left in the truck we'll take a cab. Go get some rest for a big day in the morning. Just as Sasori and Lola prepared to leave there was a knock at the door. Tobi was nearest to the door and so he answered it.

"Oh….uh….Kabuto!? Hi there." He said awkwardly. Kabuto let himself in.

"I see you all are moving. Orochimaru told me and I see that it's true."

"Man, what do you want?" Kisame asked slightly annoyed.

"Well, actually I wondered if you had any eggs, you see me and Sasuke are trying to make an omelet." Kisame and Hidan looked at one another.

"That's the most lame ass shit I've ever heard! What do you REALLY want?" Hidan asked.

"I'm serious! I figured if you guys were moving you may have eggs you didn't want to take with you! We have the ham, the chopped peppers, the onions, the cheddar cheese but we don't have any eggs! You can't make an omelet without eggs!" Kabuto said discouraged. " I try and I try to tell Orohcimaru, when you go to Wal-Mart Super Center…get eggs so that when your stupid ass omelet craving hits I don't have to run out and look for them!!!!!!" It was only now that Kakuzu and Sasori noticed Kabuto's frilly pink apron tied around his waist. Zetsu went to the fridge.

"You all are weird." Sasori said clearly referring to the odd things that happened at Orochimaru's hangout.

"Uh…..here….we have 6 eggs left. We'll just go to Waffle House tomorrow morning." Zetsu said reluctantly handing over the eggs.

"Thanks….hey do you all have any bread, Orochimaru said he wanted toast too." Kabuto asked.

"You know what, this whole breakfast after 8:30 in the evening theme you have going concerns me a bit so here: this is the last of our bread, here's some milk, an apple, uuhhhh, a package of hot dogs and some weird ass shit Kakuzu made the other night…it has beef in it." Zetsu sad quickly handing over anything left in the fridge.

"Thanks, oh and call us when you get in the new house. We'll come over." Kabuto said walking toward the door.

"Suuuuuuuuure." Kakuzu said. And with that odd moment Kabuto left.

"Well, that was different….Lola and I are going to need an even longer bath after that.

It was currently 7:37 in the morning in Cancun, Itachi was the only one up. He needed Deidara and he needed him right now but Itachi poked his head into his and Marisol's bedroom and Deidara was sound asleep. Itachi thought about waking him up….but it would wake Marisol.

"That stupid ass sleeping when I NEED HIM!" Itachi yelled inside his head. Itachi quickly and very quietly left the resort. He had to get busy before his precious Dana woke up.

Meanwhile, back home Sasori looked at Lola who was across from him in the soapy whirpool bath.

"I have to admit Lola, I was pretty panicked and sick over this house but now…I have completely changed my mind."

"Yeah, it's really nice. You know, it's never ever ever been this quiet. This is the most peaceful bath in the world." Lola said.

"You know this bathroom is closest to our bedroom, that mean you and I could have a whirlpool bath each day if we wanted." Sasori told her.

"We could…..unless Tobi uses up all my good bath soap and we're stuck with that horrible Barbie bath soap." Lola said letting her body sink further down into the tub, her long brunette hair falling over the tiled ledge wall behind her.

"Oh god, the last thing I said to Kakuzu was 'don't let Tobi get any of that Barbie soap'. But since Kakuzu saw that it was on sale…..he let Tobi have it." Lola smiled. She sometimes loved it when Sasori stressed over nothing. It reminded her that he truly was the man of the Akatsuki house.

The time in Cancun was now 8:21 in the morning. Deidara had woken up and Marisol was in the process of waking. Deidara quietly walked out of the bedroom and into the main area of the hotel room. Itachi was sitting on the balcony; he looked good this morning Deidara would admit that with out a fight. It was obvious Dana wasn't up yet but little did he know she was starting to stir. He went back in to the bedroom just as quietly as he had left.

"Well?" Marisol said groggily.

"Dana's not up yet, yeah." Deidara said lying back down beside her. In the opposite bedroom, Dana had just awoken, Itachi could see in to their bedroom from the balcony where he sat. It was a good thing because the tide was starting to come in. he stood up and went to greet her.

"Good morning." He kissed her.

"Hi." Dana yawned. "You're dressed early today, yeah." She said.

"Yeah, well I knew we'd be packing and getting ready to leave today. Why don't you come outside with me, I want to show you something." Itachi coaxed her up. Dana stretched her way out of bed. Deidara and Marisol heard a door open and so Deidara quickly pulled her out of bed and over to their bedroom door. They wanted to peak out and watch what was about to happen. Itachi had gotten Dana outside onto the balcony.

"Come here honey. Look at the beach." Dana did as she was told, Itachi had his arms around her. She gasped.

"Oh my god! Would you look at that! It says 'Dana will you marry me' in the sand, yeah! Can you believe that we come all the way to Cancun and there's another Dana in this resort, yeah! Wow! She even spells her name just like mine, yeah! That is so….wow, yeah." Itachi just held on to her, he didn't say anything.

"Dana….." Itachi began. "Honey, that message, is for THIS Dana…not some other Dana. Dana's eyes grew wide.

"Wait a minute…..if that message is for me……then that means…..oh my god….did you write that in the sand, yeah?" Itachi smiled at her.

"Yes…will you marry me Dana?" And then came the ring Itachi had been carrying around on him the entire weekend. Dana couldn't believe her eyes when he showed it to her.

"Itachi…." Her choked voice managed to say. And now the huge 8 carat diamond ring was on her finger.

"Yes, yes I'll marry you, yeah." She finally replied throwing her arms around him. At this point Deidara and Marisol had seen most of this and they were both screaming like idiots, but somewhere along the lines, Deidara thought it would be a good idea to stand on a chair for a better view out the door…well the excitement overcame him and he had just fallen and landed on top of Marisol…..


	15. Chapter 15 Dish Confession

The newly engaged Itachi and Dana and Marisol and Deidara had arrived home from the fabulous Cancun Sports Illustrated photo shoot. Sasori had left them instructions at the resort to meet them at the new house. It seemed that most everything had been moved to the new house. Itachi, Dana, Deidara and Marisol arrived at the new house with their entire luggage.

"Oh my god! This house is even better in person than it was in those real estate listings, yeah!" Deidara said as he tugged luggage out of the trunk of the cab. Once everything was unloaded they quickly made their way to the front entrance…dying to see the house. Deidara was the first to open the door. "WE'RE HOOOOOOOOOME, YEAH!" he yelled through the house. Everyone else was still unpacking and organizing, but Tobi dropped what he was doing and went running through the upstairs and down the staircase to greet a much missed Deidara.

"DEIDARA! DEIDARA! DEIDARA!!!!" Tobi ran right into him and wrapped his arms around Deidara's waist. It was as if little hearts had appeared above Tobi's head. "Oh Deidara! I missed you! I missed you so much! Sasori didn't but I did! I did!"

"Tobi! Let go of me, yeah! I have all this luggage and you aren't helping at all, yeah!" Deidara scolded him.

"Oh sorry, sorry." Tobi quickly let go.

"I'M ENGAGED!" Itachi announced as he came through the door.

"What? What do you mean you're engaged?"

"Did he say engaged or enraged?"

"You're engaged?"

"Engaged? Everyone else shouted from around the house. Dana came in and stuck her finger in front of Tobi who was closest to her. Tobi gasped. Soon everyone else came to look at the amazing site on Dana's finger. But for the time, the admiring of the new engagement would have to wait because there was much unpacking to be done. This was Akatsuki's new house. They had come a long way from the simple 3 bedroom apartment when it was just Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu, Deidara, and Sasori. There had been a lot of changes and a lot of chaos since those days. Of course a newer, bigger house could only mean newer bigger messes…

"Oh by the way, you all have a master bedroom. If you want it split you're going to have to build a wall petition or something." Sasori just dropped the bomb.

"Oh, oh! Let's go see it!" Marisol said as she grabbed Deidara's hand and they headed for the master bedroom. Itachi put his luggage down at the door and examined the numerous boxes that was scattered around the living room.

"Where is our stuff?" Itachi asked.

"Okay, about your stuff, we packed everything that was in your room very carefully. If anything….." Zetsu's thoughts were interrupted by screaming from upstairs.

"Holy hell, I thought this house would be big enough that we wouldn't have to put up with anymore screaming!" Sasori said annoyed. A few moments later Deidara and Marisol came running abck from the master bedroom.

"Dana! Get up here! Come see this!" Marisol yelled at her. And so Dana went rushing up the staircase.

"Hey, I'll be there in a minute…now about our stuff, who touched it?" itachi asked with arms folded.

"Okay, okay just relax me and Hidan packed everything carefully but I don't think we got all of Dana and Marisol's stuff because we didn't think we could get in to their place. Oh and there's some kind of invoice or something to that engagement ring in one of your pants pockets, we found it there by accident."

"Oh thanks, I need to file that. Alright, so then basically what you're saying is that we have to go to Dana and Marisol's to move them out….and by the way why the hell is none of this furniture ours? What happened to that ugly ass couch we had?" Itachi asked, but now he was venturing in to the kitchen. Lola started to panic as he explored the cabinets, She started to shake her head 'no' in hopes that someone would see her and divert Itachi from finding the temporary replacement dishes. She was now flailing her arms behind Itachi as Zetsu explained the entire house situation and how all this beautiful furniture appeared. Itachi opened up one of the cabinets and stopped talking. Lola quickly dove behind Sasori. Itachi just started for a moment.

"Zetsu…….what the FUCK are these dishes?" Itachi asked turning around facing Zetsu with a horrible Correlle 'unbreakable' apple patterned plate.

"Uuuuuhhhh……about the dishes….uuuuuhh…..oh look at the time!" Zetsu quickly disappeared into a safe venus flytrap shelter.

"ZETSU!" Itachi yelled.

"No, no Itachi don't blame Zetsu….I broke the dishes." Lola said a little on the terrified side. She bit her lower lip.

"No, Itachi, Lola didn't do anything I broke the dishes…all the dishes."

"No Sasori, honey I can handle this…I'm a woman who stands her ground, a woman of confidence." Lola said.

"A woman with balls." Sasori said softly knowing that she really shouldn't fess up to this.

"You, you, you, you….you broke the Noritake 'colorwave' pattern dinner wear?" Itachi asked clenching the stupid apple plate harder.

"I'm so sorry, it was a complete accident. I was moving the boxes and I had them stacked too high and I didn't read the label and…" Itachi cut her off.

"And you replaced the dishes that Deidara and I personally picked out with these horrible lame ass unbreakable dishes from the Wal-Mart 'Home' aisle!?!?!? We woke up at 4:30 in the morning just to get to that Macy's home sale! The first 100 customers through the door that day got an additional 40 percent off any home purchase….AND WE HAD THOSE DISHES PICKED OUT FOR MONTHS! NOW, THESE STUPID FUCKING APPLE PLATES AND DUMB ASS APPLE CUPS!? OOOOH LOOK SHIT ASS APPLE BOWLS TOO! I HATE APPLES!" Itachi yelled putting the horrid plate back.

"Itachi, I'm so sorry, it was all Wal-Mart had and I knew you'd hate them but we just had to have some dishes to get by until we could get a new nice set." Lola said. Sasori was about to step in to this because he wasn't going to put up with Itachi yelling at HIS woman. Itachi immediately calmed down.

"Hmmmmm…you know what, it's okay Lola. Now me and Dana can pick out an amazing china pattern for the wedding and use it as our everyday china here!" Itachi said focusing on the positive.

"Great, even more expensive and fragile china for us to tiptoe around. God, it probably won't even be dishwasher safe." Sasori mumbled. "I vote we keep the apple plates." He mumbled again.

"But you know, you're going to have to take this up with Deidara, he loved those dishes. I'm going to see the master bedroom." Itachi said leaving the scene. Lola breathed a huge sigh of relief. Zetsu slowly opened up again.

"Hmmm that went better than expected…although now I feel very obligated to buy him and Dana THE nicest thing on their wedding registry." Lola said.

"You do have a point, come on let's go unpack the rest of our room." Sasori said kissing Lola. And off they went. Welcome home Akatsuki, welcome home!


End file.
